I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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