i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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