i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize