How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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