Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
