My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
