Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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