i already hear my dad disowning me
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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