You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
