my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
