He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
