oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
