she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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