How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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