I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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