U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
