Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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