Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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