When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
there is glitter all over my balls
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
