she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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