Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
