about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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