then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize