boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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