I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts