Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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