Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
