I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
