Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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