dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I woke up under a house in Key West
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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