Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
