I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
