He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
