Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
