is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
