Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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