cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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