I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
