Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
