Just fell off a train. Bad.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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