my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
