ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
