you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
