my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
