She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
