why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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