Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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