Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
