so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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