I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
