it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
