I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
50% drunk capacity currently
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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