Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
