my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
