my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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