ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
