Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
