True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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