tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
